No sleep

Wow I have had no sleep at all. I went bed at 9pm last nite very tired and in pain with my back but couldn't sleep due to the pain. I watched a film then played on my phone hoping to fall asleep. Marv banged into me by accident and the pain was so bad I was crying. It wasn't his fault but he felt awful. I carried on playing cards on my phone as that normally sends me sleep but no result so read for a while & finally I thought I was going to go sleep then bang my mind went into overdrive. I was thinking about lots of things even getting myself all mad at stuff but couldn't switch off. Before I knew it the birds were singing & the sun starting to rise. If I had wanted to stay awake all night I would have ended up falling asleep sods law isn't it!!!

Apart from the pain & the normal seizures I have had a good few days. My hubby & I went out for lunch on thursday. He took me to this lovely pub where the barges can stop. We had some lunch outside whilst watching the barges go past then sat right next to the water enjoying the sun. It was so beautiful. I always find water so relaxing. We spent the evening at his mums house. I enjoy spending time with my lovely in laws so much, I think because they are as nutty as me lol. Ruth also has alot of health problems so we understand how each other feel and Marv & Steve understand how it is to be a carer. Then yesterday it was my daughter, Charlie's birthday. I can't believe she is 16!!!! All of my gorgeous girls are growing up so fast. Where does all the time go???? seems like yesterday they were only toddlers.

I recieved an appointment for a medical to see if I am well enough to go back to work. It has been arranged by my employer. I have no hesitation about going but just wonder if they are doing it so they can dismiss me on medical grounds. I can not see how I will beable to return to work whilst having seizures. I will then be on benefits through no fault of my own. I am classed as disabled already due to my back problems but my seizures make working very difficult. I  people can already hear people saying 'I'm working to pay for your benefits' I know I shouldn't be bothered about what people say but because you can not see my disabilities all of the time people look at you as to say "you're not ill!!!". I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shoes???

I feel as I am in limbo at the moment. I can not go back to work until I have had this medical and work decide whether I can go back or not but I can not claim anything except sick pay because I am classed as working. I can not plan things as I do not know what will be happening. I have even started worrying about christmas. I know it seems early but when you see christmas stuff in all the shops it does make me think.

I have decided on what tattoo I want doing next. I'm not telling people until its been done :-) Not sure when I will be able to have it done yet as I am worried I will have a seizure whilst its being done & end up with it looking like a kid has scribbled on me lol.

To keep me occupied I have been doing my cross stitch. I really enjoy doing it and look forward to getting new projects to do. I lost my stitching bug for quite some time but its back yyyaaayyy It is very relaxing altho not good when I have a seizure whilst holding scissors lol.
I find if I laugh about these things it makes it easier to deal with. 


Well today is meant to be beautiful again so I hope to make the most of it & spend some time in the garden. There is quite alot of weeding to be done but not sure my back will allow me to do it so it may have to be a relaxing day instead, Oh dear what a shame hee hee My lovely in-laws are coming over to spend some quality time with us. All the girls have plans so it will be just us 4.

Well whatever you are doing this weekend I hope you enjoy yourselves & take care.
xxxx

Weekend life

It was my youngest daughters 13th Birthday on Saturday. Shes growing up so quickly its scary. She was with her Dad this weekend so I didnt really get much time with her. She came home totally spolit just how birthdays should be, but she had left her present from me to open last nite. She had been asking for Roller Skates so when she opened her present to find them her face was beaming. Its the little things like that which make your day. She went on the front with them but was nervous as she normally only skates at the rink. She was fab just as I knew she would be. We had got her a birthday cake as well. She blew her candles out & for that moment it was like she was a little girl again. Her sister Yasmin is taking her to Build a Bear this afternoon after school so its like her birthday has lasted for 3 days lol bless her I'm so glad shes happy.
Her dad & his wife brought their puppy with them when they brought Keanna home. He is adorable. I love seeing him & having a cuddle. He was rolling around in the grass and letting me tickle his belly. So sweet. I am glad that we can all get on together as life is too short to be arguing.

The weekend hasn't been as kind to me. I have been poorly yet  again. I honestly thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday I was in that much pain. I had my Oramorph and managed to control the pain. I had woke in pain and feeling anxious from having an awful nightmare. I can't not remember all the details but the bits I could remember left me feeling so scared. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see it again. The worse part about it was my children were taken away from me!!! I can not think of anything worse. I woke in a cold sweat, shaking and feeling like it was real. It was a horrible feeling to say the least. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see bits of it and felt anxious again. It stayed with me all day and last nite I had to have my lamp on to try to go sleep. Marv held me tight telling me he was there but the anxious feeling wouldn't go. I ended up playing cards on my phone until I fell asleep which was around 4am. I was awake before the alarm went off for the girls to get up for school so I only had 3 hours broken sleep. Have you ever had a dream like that? so real you have to go and check it wasn't true?

With me being poorly again my meds have been messed up so I have been struggling with my back again. It makes me realise just how much I need my medication to keep the pain at a managable level. Sometimes I forget how bad the pain can be. 


I am waiting for work to sort this assessor out to decide whether I can go back work or not but its seriously not looking good for me as I am still having the seizures several times a day. We are in limbo so to speak regarding whats going to happen next. I can't wait until its all sorted so I know where I stand with everything and if I can't go back work then I can start to come to terms with it properly. I have thought about it alot over the past few months and I can understand that I might not beable to work but it is hard to accept. I don't feel like the same person these days. I used to be out & about and so bubbly. I miss that person and I am going to get her back as much as I can :-)

 Well enough doom and gloom.... the weather is gorgeous so I am going to make sure I get out there to enjoy it this week. In the meantime I am going to crack on with my cross stitch project. I am really enjoying stitching again so thats a plus :-)


Take care & smile xxx

In bed chilling

Wow well I managed to go shopping without having a panic attack which is fab :-) shame I had a seizure :-(
There was a few lovely people who asked if I was ok & it was sweet of them but I was so embarrassed. This is why I get anxious about going out. I know I should forget about other people n let them deal with it but I feel bad for making others feel uncomfortable.

I've felt quite crap to be honest today & have ended up in bed since shopping. I've rested, watched tv & done some stitching (For all you non stitchers I find it so relaxing).
I do wonder if these seizures will stop or will I be shaking a old granny??? Lol be fun on the dance floor I guess lol seriously I try not to think about the future regarding my health if I can help it & just take one day at a time :-)

Throughout my health problems I have found out who my real friends are. There as been some "friends" that haven't even bothered with me since the seizures started but they are not important it's the ones who do really care that are but some people have hurt me a lot. I guess it's a thing we all do... Be there for others but when the tables are turned find out that they are not there for you!!! To my true friends
Thank you for being there for me :-)

It's only 1 hr 36 mins to go til my baby's birthday well it's not until 5.27 pm to be exact lol not a baby now she will be 13!!!! Another teenager in the house!!!
She's grown into a lovely young lady. She surprised me this evening when she found me on the bathroom floor having a seizure. She said she moved my head because I was hitting on the bath n then sat there holding my hand until I can out of it again. She didn't panic or cry. I'm so proud of her. All my girls handle my seizures amazing but then they have had no choice really bless em.

Tv has been good tonite so far miranda the flynns, mrs browns boys and now Dara O Briain :-) love a good giggle it is a plus side of being in bed coz downstairs the fella are stressing over the transfer market.... Bloody football Pmsl

Oh yeah before I forget I can't believe card shops are already full of Xmas cards!!!! It's bloody August!!!!! The scary thing is I was tempted to pick some up Pmsl I think that's what set my seizure off ha ha ha that's my story & I'm sticking to it lol

Well good nite take care
Xxxxx

First day back at school

Kids first day back at school today. Its been weird without them being around. However we had Yasmin for about an hour after she had been shopping, came home complained about how much clothes cost & then got all excited because her laptop had arrived. 
She is very grown up about money now she is earning & paying for her own things. Its a good thing but so funny to watch :-)

I made sure the kids were ready for school this morning then sat on the bed talking to Yasmin and got her to paint my nails. I then had a fit on the poor girl. Its a good job shes used to it by now. She handled the situation fantastically like always. She held my head so I didnt bang it and held my hand whilst I was coming round. I ended up back in bed and sleeping til nearly 1.30pm. I do think this is due to having a bad day fit wise yesterday. 

The girls have come back from school with Keanna telling me she had an awesome day :-) Charlie however said it was just a day at school ha ha ha can't win em all. 
They looked so smart today in their uniform, very grown up. 

I'm still waiting to hear from work regarding my assessment but they are on hols this week. I just want it all sorting now. DLA are also dragging their heels as well, its ok for them but this is my life. I'm not going to let it get me down as this week as I have been feeling alot more positive. 

On a happier note its Keannas birthday on saturday & altho I wont be with her all day we will celebrate her birthday when she is back as well as her birthday morning. I cant believe shes going to be a teenager!!!! How old do I feel hee hee .....

Whilst writing this I have been watching Coyote Ugly. We have now got sky and there is a difference in the picture from Virgin media. Meanwhile during the film there has been the odd comment about how certain people cant act or sing my a fella of course pmsl 
Do you suffer the same whilst watching tv? It does make me laugh tho pmsl

Right thats it for now please feel free to give me feedback 
take care xxx

happy to have found support

OMG I am so happy to have found a support group/website for Non Epileptic attack disorder. I have been reading the website and it describes my condition so well. I feel more comfortable with it now. It doesnt change anything but its nice to know I'm not the only person with this disorder plus that it proves these attacks are real.

My family & true friends have never doubted my seizures but many nurses and doctors have made me feel like I was putting it on. The first time I was given the opportunity to see a Shrink I nearly turned it down because I thought they were for mad people but thats not true. 

I also found a group for the Hemiplegic Migraines I suffer. Its been great to read about other peoples experiences and they way they cope.

I know I am lucky to have such a wonderful support network around me. I just feel so lucky to have found these groups too :-)

I have also helped make a rhubarb crumble and my very first Lasagne :-)
 

Today is a good day (so far) & I just had to share this with you all
I am happy happy happy xxx

Emotional roundabouts

Do you ever have times where you feel so poorly but something makes you so happy???

Well I have been in hospital yet again, yes I know this shocks you :-)  

I had a blockage caused by all my meds and my lack of desire to drink fibregel. For those who have never tasted this the only way it can be described is .... wallpaper paste with orange squash in it!!!! yep you wouldnt drink it either ha ha ha ha
Due to my lack of appeptite for such drinks I became constipated (Yes I know we dont talk about bowels) I ended up doubled over in such awful pain I actually asked Marv to ring an ambulance. Poor Keanna was sobbing when the ambulance came but the paramedic was fantastic with the girls. He took Keanna & Chloe to the ambulance when he had to get stuff and they helped him by passing stuff. It made the experience so much easier for them. Never got his name to say thank you but I'm sending him a huge thanks x
I had forgotten just how amazing gas & air is. WOW I was not giving that back even after I had the morphine. So we went through the usual routine, A & E then transferred to the General and settled on a ward. Due to my fits I had to go on the acute bay. This was ok apart from being kept awake all bloody nite by the nursing staff let alone from the odd patient shouting out. I had my meds like a good girl, poo'ed for england etc etc etc

I was on facebook one morning when my friend asked if I was still in the General and if so which ward. I told her and she said she was here too on the same ward. Now Rihann & I have been friends for a few years now but never actually got round to meeting up in the flesh. So it was a lovely surprise to finally meet her. I was so happy when she came to see me ( I was on oxygen at the time). For that reason alone I was actually happy to be in hospital. I was discharged the day before Rihann but it was great finally getting to meet her at long last. Shes as bubbly in the flesh as she is online :-)

Within days after being discharged I had a meeting with my bosses about going back to work. I was full of expectation of being told when I could go back only to be shot down in flames by being told I need to be assessed first. I do honestly understand their point of views but I want to work..... I have thought about what I will do if I can not work anymore due to my fits and I think I will do some more courses.Its not a nice feeling knowing everything you have worked for could be taken away from you. I feel like everytime I try to do something workwise it gets taken away from me. 

I feel like a burden to everyone as I cant be left alone due to hurting myself during the fits. An example of how easy this is was yesterday ... Marvs watching footie so I am upstairs doing my cross stitch whilst on the bed watching tv. Quite safe wouldnt you say??? it would be if I hadnt had my scissors in my hand whist I had my fit. I came round to a sore arm. I looked and I had scratched my arm several times with the scissors. It could have been so much worse which is what scared me I think. The other day our friend Rich heard me have a fit in the outside toilet. He could hear my head hitting the door so had to gently open the door and lower me down whilst protecting my head. It must be quite scary for others when this happens even more so if they dont know if I'm dressed hee hee.

I have decided something though I may have health issues & I may not beable to work but I can start to change things in my life. Firstly my diet as I need to lose weight for a number of reasons. So the slimming world plan is calling me back. I need to get my arse into gear and follow the plan. I also need to somehow inprove my fitness again. I love the gym but the risk of the fit kind of puts it out of the question at the minute. 

My first change came about on saturday when I decided to have my hair cut. Its shorter one side. Its quite a shock when I go to touch my hair and half of it as disappeared ha ha ha Kel did an amazing job I love it.

I keep a diary which helps my depression but somedays I just need someone to say your doing well.

On a happier note school holidays are nearly over and I can already hear the mix of tears and cheers for that first day back at school. Parents will treasure that day for a number of reasons such as......

childs first day at school,

first day at a new school, 

new uniforms thus making their children seem so grown up,

new uniforms meaning they will look smart for at least the first week, 

first day kiddie free for 6 whole weeks lol

whatever your reason treasure your children whilst you can because one day they will be grown up and have children of their own whilst your left wondering where the time went.....

My peace & quiet as now been broken by the first other person joining me downstairs so I shall leave this for today & go get dressed before tackling the ironing... oh the excitement I know your so jealous ha ha ha ha ha

xxx

 

this & that

The past week as been so tough for me. Not only have I had to deal with my seizures several times a day but I have had to face upto some demons from a long time ago. The hospital thinks my seizures could be caused by stress so I'm now having therapy I guess. The first session opened up alot of things that have happened in my life. I hate thinking of myself as a victim so when the Doctor says to me you have been through an awful lot I replied with haven't we all. I've now started keeping a diary of my thoughts and it is helping. By dealing with these issues it can only make my life better and maybe help my depression. I think most things happen for a reason and I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadnt been through all this stuff. I look back on my life and yes I have had some terrible times but I've also had some fantastic times too.

Had a lovely but quick chat with my cuz Lisa this morning. She was amazed at some stuff I told her but as always is supportive of me. Just her giving me a hug n saying I love you lifted my spirits so thanks Lisa loves ya xx

Well I'm still off work due to the seizures or as hubby calls them "shakes". It does get me down but also we are all so used to it now that even the kids dont bat an eyelid. Due to how severe some are I do tend to sleep alot after the bad ones so my sleep pattern is all over the place. Some days I'm up at 3am and do you know how shit tv is then???  Really if the stuff they sell on these shows is so good why isnt it sold during the day??? thats because you have to be nearly asleep to be tempted to buy the stuff lol. On the plus side I am cracking on with my cross stitch project. I'm really enjoying it to be honest. I even managed to make 2 sock monkeys this week. 

 I've already got my next cross stitch project lined up. Hopefully the next one wont take as long as this one. I've been doing this one for about 2 yrs hee hee 

Well thats enough for one day I think, dont wanna bore ya silly. 


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Bye for now xxxxxxxx