Battles

Do you ever have a day where everything feels like a battle?

After a bad nights sleep I fell back sleep after the kids went school and slept til 1pm. It was due to pain & nightmares.
I seem to be having nightmares on a regular basis. I can't remember what it was all about but do seem to recall someone trying to kill me!!! I woke up in a cold sweat & shaking. Could these be due to stress???

I have an appointment next week to see if I can return to work or not which is making me very anxious. I just want it all over so I know what is happening. I do understand that I may not beable to go back to work but its stressful and makes you feel very useless. My seizures make doing most simple things difficult. I have to have someone with me 99% of the time. I am unable to go to the gym as I may have a seizure whilst on the equipment due to not always having a warning sign. I can't go swimming either due to the same reason. I feel a burden on my family.
I have gone from working full-time to part-time to nothing and can not see a way back from this. My health doesn't make me attractive to future employers plus my sickness record will go against me. I just don't know which way to think anymore. My family are so supportive of me I couldn't ask for more but it doesnt stop me feeling a failure. I just want to know whats going to happen so I can start to accept it if that makes sense???

I am enrolling on a course just so I have something to challenge me whilst being at home. I love my crafting but I need something else to keep my brain active. 

Today  seems to be one of those days where I can not pull myself out of this dark mood. I smile & laugh yet inside I am crying. It doesn't take alot to put me in one of these moods these days, too many bills coming through the door or having to say to the kids no because of money can send me spiralling into the dark tunnel that I keep battling to get out of. 

How do you stop yourself feeling this way??? I keep holding the tears back but they will spill over sooner or later & usually I am unable to stop them.  When will things become easier? will it always be a battle? Will I become strong enough to overcome these things?

I have no answers to these questions and its at times like this I wish I could see into the future. What I do keep telling myself is that I have a wonderful loving family & some truly amazing friends. This is what keeps me going at the minute so until anyone has any answers for me I will cling onto these things and try to remember how lucky I am.

So for now Jane stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep battling on...