Monday, 17 September 2012

new start today....

WOW after a turbulant weekend (which I will not discuss here) I have decided today is a fresh start for me. I have apologised to a few people for being a bitch in the past. I have also weighed myself ready for getting focused on a healthier me.

I am already feeling happier by making that decision but now for the hard work. I need to get my butt back on the slimming world plan. I have to lose weight before going hospital & ready for a very important evening. I don't want to rent a tent for the nite lol. I am limited on going out due to my seizures but want to start exercising at home. I am going to get my slimming world books out and go through them again to help me focus.

Poor hubby as got man flu so is my personal snot monkey lol love you really babes hee hee. I have been looking after him like a good wifey :-).Hopefully he will be better soon bless him.

I am going to get moving on my cross stitch project as its been neglected recently. I have a pile of new & started projects to do. I would love to work in a cross stitch shop but wouldn't have any wages left at the end of the month lol.

I actually tried making cakes last week!!! I have been known to make scones but never cakes. I tried my hand at icing them for the first time too. I am going to try and make some more this week and see what creations I can make. If they turn out like the last lot they won't last long ;-)

Have got a few things happening this week one of which is going to decide whether I can go back to work or not. I think I already know whats going to happen but trying to keep an open mind :-) The electrician will decide this whether my house needs rewiring completely or just upgrading. OOOhhhH the fun of the mess but at least it  gives me an excuse to look at redecorating :-)

I just have to mention that a friend of mine made my day today. we don't see each other often but talk on facebook and know the other is there for them. She reminded me today just how lucky I am to have friends like her. Thanks Sally xxxx

Tuesday, 11 September 2012


Do you ever have a day where everything feels like a battle?

After a bad nights sleep I fell back sleep after the kids went school and slept til 1pm. It was due to pain & nightmares.
I seem to be having nightmares on a regular basis. I can't remember what it was all about but do seem to recall someone trying to kill me!!! I woke up in a cold sweat & shaking. Could these be due to stress???

I have an appointment next week to see if I can return to work or not which is making me very anxious. I just want it all over so I know what is happening. I do understand that I may not beable to go back to work but its stressful and makes you feel very useless. My seizures make doing most simple things difficult. I have to have someone with me 99% of the time. I am unable to go to the gym as I may have a seizure whilst on the equipment due to not always having a warning sign. I can't go swimming either due to the same reason. I feel a burden on my family.
I have gone from working full-time to part-time to nothing and can not see a way back from this. My health doesn't make me attractive to future employers plus my sickness record will go against me. I just don't know which way to think anymore. My family are so supportive of me I couldn't ask for more but it doesnt stop me feeling a failure. I just want to know whats going to happen so I can start to accept it if that makes sense???

I am enrolling on a course just so I have something to challenge me whilst being at home. I love my crafting but I need something else to keep my brain active. 

Today  seems to be one of those days where I can not pull myself out of this dark mood. I smile & laugh yet inside I am crying. It doesn't take alot to put me in one of these moods these days, too many bills coming through the door or having to say to the kids no because of money can send me spiralling into the dark tunnel that I keep battling to get out of. 

How do you stop yourself feeling this way??? I keep holding the tears back but they will spill over sooner or later & usually I am unable to stop them.  When will things become easier? will it always be a battle? Will I become strong enough to overcome these things?

I have no answers to these questions and its at times like this I wish I could see into the future. What I do keep telling myself is that I have a wonderful loving family & some truly amazing friends. This is what keeps me going at the minute so until anyone has any answers for me I will cling onto these things and try to remember how lucky I am.

So for now Jane stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep battling on...

Friday, 7 September 2012

No sleep

Wow I have had no sleep at all. I went bed at 9pm last nite very tired and in pain with my back but couldn't sleep due to the pain. I watched a film then played on my phone hoping to fall asleep. Marv banged into me by accident and the pain was so bad I was crying. It wasn't his fault but he felt awful. I carried on playing cards on my phone as that normally sends me sleep but no result so read for a while & finally I thought I was going to go sleep then bang my mind went into overdrive. I was thinking about lots of things even getting myself all mad at stuff but couldn't switch off. Before I knew it the birds were singing & the sun starting to rise. If I had wanted to stay awake all night I would have ended up falling asleep sods law isn't it!!!

Apart from the pain & the normal seizures I have had a good few days. My hubby & I went out for lunch on thursday. He took me to this lovely pub where the barges can stop. We had some lunch outside whilst watching the barges go past then sat right next to the water enjoying the sun. It was so beautiful. I always find water so relaxing. We spent the evening at his mums house. I enjoy spending time with my lovely in laws so much, I think because they are as nutty as me lol. Ruth also has alot of health problems so we understand how each other feel and Marv & Steve understand how it is to be a carer. Then yesterday it was my daughter, Charlie's birthday. I can't believe she is 16!!!! All of my gorgeous girls are growing up so fast. Where does all the time go???? seems like yesterday they were only toddlers.

I recieved an appointment for a medical to see if I am well enough to go back to work. It has been arranged by my employer. I have no hesitation about going but just wonder if they are doing it so they can dismiss me on medical grounds. I can not see how I will beable to return to work whilst having seizures. I will then be on benefits through no fault of my own. I am classed as disabled already due to my back problems but my seizures make working very difficult. I  people can already hear people saying 'I'm working to pay for your benefits' I know I shouldn't be bothered about what people say but because you can not see my disabilities all of the time people look at you as to say "you're not ill!!!". I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shoes???

I feel as I am in limbo at the moment. I can not go back to work until I have had this medical and work decide whether I can go back or not but I can not claim anything except sick pay because I am classed as working. I can not plan things as I do not know what will be happening. I have even started worrying about christmas. I know it seems early but when you see christmas stuff in all the shops it does make me think.

I have decided on what tattoo I want doing next. I'm not telling people until its been done :-) Not sure when I will be able to have it done yet as I am worried I will have a seizure whilst its being done & end up with it looking like a kid has scribbled on me lol.

To keep me occupied I have been doing my cross stitch. I really enjoy doing it and look forward to getting new projects to do. I lost my stitching bug for quite some time but its back yyyaaayyy It is very relaxing altho not good when I have a seizure whilst holding scissors lol.
I find if I laugh about these things it makes it easier to deal with. 

Well today is meant to be beautiful again so I hope to make the most of it & spend some time in the garden. There is quite alot of weeding to be done but not sure my back will allow me to do it so it may have to be a relaxing day instead, Oh dear what a shame hee hee My lovely in-laws are coming over to spend some quality time with us. All the girls have plans so it will be just us 4.

Well whatever you are doing this weekend I hope you enjoy yourselves & take care.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Weekend life

It was my youngest daughters 13th Birthday on Saturday. Shes growing up so quickly its scary. She was with her Dad this weekend so I didnt really get much time with her. She came home totally spolit just how birthdays should be, but she had left her present from me to open last nite. She had been asking for Roller Skates so when she opened her present to find them her face was beaming. Its the little things like that which make your day. She went on the front with them but was nervous as she normally only skates at the rink. She was fab just as I knew she would be. We had got her a birthday cake as well. She blew her candles out & for that moment it was like she was a little girl again. Her sister Yasmin is taking her to Build a Bear this afternoon after school so its like her birthday has lasted for 3 days lol bless her I'm so glad shes happy.
Her dad & his wife brought their puppy with them when they brought Keanna home. He is adorable. I love seeing him & having a cuddle. He was rolling around in the grass and letting me tickle his belly. So sweet. I am glad that we can all get on together as life is too short to be arguing.

The weekend hasn't been as kind to me. I have been poorly yet  again. I honestly thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday I was in that much pain. I had my Oramorph and managed to control the pain. I had woke in pain and feeling anxious from having an awful nightmare. I can't not remember all the details but the bits I could remember left me feeling so scared. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see it again. The worse part about it was my children were taken away from me!!! I can not think of anything worse. I woke in a cold sweat, shaking and feeling like it was real. It was a horrible feeling to say the least. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see bits of it and felt anxious again. It stayed with me all day and last nite I had to have my lamp on to try to go sleep. Marv held me tight telling me he was there but the anxious feeling wouldn't go. I ended up playing cards on my phone until I fell asleep which was around 4am. I was awake before the alarm went off for the girls to get up for school so I only had 3 hours broken sleep. Have you ever had a dream like that? so real you have to go and check it wasn't true?

With me being poorly again my meds have been messed up so I have been struggling with my back again. It makes me realise just how much I need my medication to keep the pain at a managable level. Sometimes I forget how bad the pain can be. 

I am waiting for work to sort this assessor out to decide whether I can go back work or not but its seriously not looking good for me as I am still having the seizures several times a day. We are in limbo so to speak regarding whats going to happen next. I can't wait until its all sorted so I know where I stand with everything and if I can't go back work then I can start to come to terms with it properly. I have thought about it alot over the past few months and I can understand that I might not beable to work but it is hard to accept. I don't feel like the same person these days. I used to be out & about and so bubbly. I miss that person and I am going to get her back as much as I can :-)

 Well enough doom and gloom.... the weather is gorgeous so I am going to make sure I get out there to enjoy it this week. In the meantime I am going to crack on with my cross stitch project. I am really enjoying stitching again so thats a plus :-)

Take care & smile xxx