Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Nearly Christmas - what a year

Wow its nearly christmas..... 

The year has gone so fast. I can't believe its over a year since my stroke. So much has changed this year. I've gone from working full-time to not being able to work at all. Also there have been alot of other problems going on which have had to be dealt with. My husband and children have had to adapt along with me due to my health and its not been plain sailing I can tell you lol. 

The children have dealt with everything so well. I am so proud of them. It must be scary for them to witness their mum having a seizure but they comfort me and stay with me making sure I am safe. I am blessed with amazing children. My husband has also been amazing. Our married life hasn't been what you would expect for the first few months lol hardly the honeymoon period of dreams yet together we have battled through it. We are far from me being healthy or either of us being able to go out and earn our fortune but we are so lucky. We have each other, our beautiful children & loving family so what more can you ask for???

I have to say I fell ssssoooo lucky when it came to in-laws (not just saying that in case they see this lol) they are so supportive & loving. My mum-in-law Ruth also has health problems which has brought us closer together I think because we understand how the other person feels. My dad-in-law Steve is like Marv can't do enough to help. My dad & I have become closer as well over the year and he even tells me he loves me all the time which is something he never used to do.

I look back on the year & how much has happened and I can see that my outlook on life has changed so much. No longer is arguing over such petty things important, neither is being there for fair weather friends. True friends shine through the clouds and those are the ones who you should be there for. 

We have lost friends & family over the year to illnesses and saying goodbye hurts so much yet life goes on. You do the best you can & be there for each other.

We may not have the perfect life but we are happy and all the money in the world can not buy you true happiness. 

Who knows what the next year will bring but as long as I have my family & friends around me I know we can get through anything life throws at us.

Thats it for now so back to stitching & christmas films for me :-)

Monday, 17 September 2012

new start today....

WOW after a turbulant weekend (which I will not discuss here) I have decided today is a fresh start for me. I have apologised to a few people for being a bitch in the past. I have also weighed myself ready for getting focused on a healthier me.

I am already feeling happier by making that decision but now for the hard work. I need to get my butt back on the slimming world plan. I have to lose weight before going hospital & ready for a very important evening. I don't want to rent a tent for the nite lol. I am limited on going out due to my seizures but want to start exercising at home. I am going to get my slimming world books out and go through them again to help me focus.

Poor hubby as got man flu so is my personal snot monkey lol love you really babes hee hee. I have been looking after him like a good wifey :-).Hopefully he will be better soon bless him.

I am going to get moving on my cross stitch project as its been neglected recently. I have a pile of new & started projects to do. I would love to work in a cross stitch shop but wouldn't have any wages left at the end of the month lol.

I actually tried making cakes last week!!! I have been known to make scones but never cakes. I tried my hand at icing them for the first time too. I am going to try and make some more this week and see what creations I can make. If they turn out like the last lot they won't last long ;-)

Have got a few things happening this week one of which is going to decide whether I can go back to work or not. I think I already know whats going to happen but trying to keep an open mind :-) The electrician will decide this whether my house needs rewiring completely or just upgrading. OOOhhhH the fun of the mess but at least it  gives me an excuse to look at redecorating :-)

I just have to mention that a friend of mine made my day today. we don't see each other often but talk on facebook and know the other is there for them. She reminded me today just how lucky I am to have friends like her. Thanks Sally xxxx

Tuesday, 11 September 2012


Do you ever have a day where everything feels like a battle?

After a bad nights sleep I fell back sleep after the kids went school and slept til 1pm. It was due to pain & nightmares.
I seem to be having nightmares on a regular basis. I can't remember what it was all about but do seem to recall someone trying to kill me!!! I woke up in a cold sweat & shaking. Could these be due to stress???

I have an appointment next week to see if I can return to work or not which is making me very anxious. I just want it all over so I know what is happening. I do understand that I may not beable to go back to work but its stressful and makes you feel very useless. My seizures make doing most simple things difficult. I have to have someone with me 99% of the time. I am unable to go to the gym as I may have a seizure whilst on the equipment due to not always having a warning sign. I can't go swimming either due to the same reason. I feel a burden on my family.
I have gone from working full-time to part-time to nothing and can not see a way back from this. My health doesn't make me attractive to future employers plus my sickness record will go against me. I just don't know which way to think anymore. My family are so supportive of me I couldn't ask for more but it doesnt stop me feeling a failure. I just want to know whats going to happen so I can start to accept it if that makes sense???

I am enrolling on a course just so I have something to challenge me whilst being at home. I love my crafting but I need something else to keep my brain active. 

Today  seems to be one of those days where I can not pull myself out of this dark mood. I smile & laugh yet inside I am crying. It doesn't take alot to put me in one of these moods these days, too many bills coming through the door or having to say to the kids no because of money can send me spiralling into the dark tunnel that I keep battling to get out of. 

How do you stop yourself feeling this way??? I keep holding the tears back but they will spill over sooner or later & usually I am unable to stop them.  When will things become easier? will it always be a battle? Will I become strong enough to overcome these things?

I have no answers to these questions and its at times like this I wish I could see into the future. What I do keep telling myself is that I have a wonderful loving family & some truly amazing friends. This is what keeps me going at the minute so until anyone has any answers for me I will cling onto these things and try to remember how lucky I am.

So for now Jane stop feeling sorry for yourself and keep battling on...

Friday, 7 September 2012

No sleep

Wow I have had no sleep at all. I went bed at 9pm last nite very tired and in pain with my back but couldn't sleep due to the pain. I watched a film then played on my phone hoping to fall asleep. Marv banged into me by accident and the pain was so bad I was crying. It wasn't his fault but he felt awful. I carried on playing cards on my phone as that normally sends me sleep but no result so read for a while & finally I thought I was going to go sleep then bang my mind went into overdrive. I was thinking about lots of things even getting myself all mad at stuff but couldn't switch off. Before I knew it the birds were singing & the sun starting to rise. If I had wanted to stay awake all night I would have ended up falling asleep sods law isn't it!!!

Apart from the pain & the normal seizures I have had a good few days. My hubby & I went out for lunch on thursday. He took me to this lovely pub where the barges can stop. We had some lunch outside whilst watching the barges go past then sat right next to the water enjoying the sun. It was so beautiful. I always find water so relaxing. We spent the evening at his mums house. I enjoy spending time with my lovely in laws so much, I think because they are as nutty as me lol. Ruth also has alot of health problems so we understand how each other feel and Marv & Steve understand how it is to be a carer. Then yesterday it was my daughter, Charlie's birthday. I can't believe she is 16!!!! All of my gorgeous girls are growing up so fast. Where does all the time go???? seems like yesterday they were only toddlers.

I recieved an appointment for a medical to see if I am well enough to go back to work. It has been arranged by my employer. I have no hesitation about going but just wonder if they are doing it so they can dismiss me on medical grounds. I can not see how I will beable to return to work whilst having seizures. I will then be on benefits through no fault of my own. I am classed as disabled already due to my back problems but my seizures make working very difficult. I  people can already hear people saying 'I'm working to pay for your benefits' I know I shouldn't be bothered about what people say but because you can not see my disabilities all of the time people look at you as to say "you're not ill!!!". I wonder how they would feel if they were in my shoes???

I feel as I am in limbo at the moment. I can not go back to work until I have had this medical and work decide whether I can go back or not but I can not claim anything except sick pay because I am classed as working. I can not plan things as I do not know what will be happening. I have even started worrying about christmas. I know it seems early but when you see christmas stuff in all the shops it does make me think.

I have decided on what tattoo I want doing next. I'm not telling people until its been done :-) Not sure when I will be able to have it done yet as I am worried I will have a seizure whilst its being done & end up with it looking like a kid has scribbled on me lol.

To keep me occupied I have been doing my cross stitch. I really enjoy doing it and look forward to getting new projects to do. I lost my stitching bug for quite some time but its back yyyaaayyy It is very relaxing altho not good when I have a seizure whilst holding scissors lol.
I find if I laugh about these things it makes it easier to deal with. 

Well today is meant to be beautiful again so I hope to make the most of it & spend some time in the garden. There is quite alot of weeding to be done but not sure my back will allow me to do it so it may have to be a relaxing day instead, Oh dear what a shame hee hee My lovely in-laws are coming over to spend some quality time with us. All the girls have plans so it will be just us 4.

Well whatever you are doing this weekend I hope you enjoy yourselves & take care.

Monday, 3 September 2012

Weekend life

It was my youngest daughters 13th Birthday on Saturday. Shes growing up so quickly its scary. She was with her Dad this weekend so I didnt really get much time with her. She came home totally spolit just how birthdays should be, but she had left her present from me to open last nite. She had been asking for Roller Skates so when she opened her present to find them her face was beaming. Its the little things like that which make your day. She went on the front with them but was nervous as she normally only skates at the rink. She was fab just as I knew she would be. We had got her a birthday cake as well. She blew her candles out & for that moment it was like she was a little girl again. Her sister Yasmin is taking her to Build a Bear this afternoon after school so its like her birthday has lasted for 3 days lol bless her I'm so glad shes happy.
Her dad & his wife brought their puppy with them when they brought Keanna home. He is adorable. I love seeing him & having a cuddle. He was rolling around in the grass and letting me tickle his belly. So sweet. I am glad that we can all get on together as life is too short to be arguing.

The weekend hasn't been as kind to me. I have been poorly yet  again. I honestly thought I was going to end up in hospital again yesterday I was in that much pain. I had my Oramorph and managed to control the pain. I had woke in pain and feeling anxious from having an awful nightmare. I can't not remember all the details but the bits I could remember left me feeling so scared. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see it again. The worse part about it was my children were taken away from me!!! I can not think of anything worse. I woke in a cold sweat, shaking and feeling like it was real. It was a horrible feeling to say the least. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see bits of it and felt anxious again. It stayed with me all day and last nite I had to have my lamp on to try to go sleep. Marv held me tight telling me he was there but the anxious feeling wouldn't go. I ended up playing cards on my phone until I fell asleep which was around 4am. I was awake before the alarm went off for the girls to get up for school so I only had 3 hours broken sleep. Have you ever had a dream like that? so real you have to go and check it wasn't true?

With me being poorly again my meds have been messed up so I have been struggling with my back again. It makes me realise just how much I need my medication to keep the pain at a managable level. Sometimes I forget how bad the pain can be. 

I am waiting for work to sort this assessor out to decide whether I can go back work or not but its seriously not looking good for me as I am still having the seizures several times a day. We are in limbo so to speak regarding whats going to happen next. I can't wait until its all sorted so I know where I stand with everything and if I can't go back work then I can start to come to terms with it properly. I have thought about it alot over the past few months and I can understand that I might not beable to work but it is hard to accept. I don't feel like the same person these days. I used to be out & about and so bubbly. I miss that person and I am going to get her back as much as I can :-)

 Well enough doom and gloom.... the weather is gorgeous so I am going to make sure I get out there to enjoy it this week. In the meantime I am going to crack on with my cross stitch project. I am really enjoying stitching again so thats a plus :-)

Take care & smile xxx

Friday, 31 August 2012

In bed chilling

Wow well I managed to go shopping without having a panic attack which is fab :-) shame I had a seizure :-(
There was a few lovely people who asked if I was ok & it was sweet of them but I was so embarrassed. This is why I get anxious about going out. I know I should forget about other people n let them deal with it but I feel bad for making others feel uncomfortable.

I've felt quite crap to be honest today & have ended up in bed since shopping. I've rested, watched tv & done some stitching (For all you non stitchers I find it so relaxing).
I do wonder if these seizures will stop or will I be shaking a old granny??? Lol be fun on the dance floor I guess lol seriously I try not to think about the future regarding my health if I can help it & just take one day at a time :-)

Throughout my health problems I have found out who my real friends are. There as been some "friends" that haven't even bothered with me since the seizures started but they are not important it's the ones who do really care that are but some people have hurt me a lot. I guess it's a thing we all do... Be there for others but when the tables are turned find out that they are not there for you!!! To my true friends
Thank you for being there for me :-)

It's only 1 hr 36 mins to go til my baby's birthday well it's not until 5.27 pm to be exact lol not a baby now she will be 13!!!! Another teenager in the house!!!
She's grown into a lovely young lady. She surprised me this evening when she found me on the bathroom floor having a seizure. She said she moved my head because I was hitting on the bath n then sat there holding my hand until I can out of it again. She didn't panic or cry. I'm so proud of her. All my girls handle my seizures amazing but then they have had no choice really bless em.

Tv has been good tonite so far miranda the flynns, mrs browns boys and now Dara O Briain :-) love a good giggle it is a plus side of being in bed coz downstairs the fella are stressing over the transfer market.... Bloody football Pmsl

Oh yeah before I forget I can't believe card shops are already full of Xmas cards!!!! It's bloody August!!!!! The scary thing is I was tempted to pick some up Pmsl I think that's what set my seizure off ha ha ha that's my story & I'm sticking to it lol

Well good nite take care

Thursday, 30 August 2012

First day back at school

Kids first day back at school today. Its been weird without them being around. However we had Yasmin for about an hour after she had been shopping, came home complained about how much clothes cost & then got all excited because her laptop had arrived. 
She is very grown up about money now she is earning & paying for her own things. Its a good thing but so funny to watch :-)

I made sure the kids were ready for school this morning then sat on the bed talking to Yasmin and got her to paint my nails. I then had a fit on the poor girl. Its a good job shes used to it by now. She handled the situation fantastically like always. She held my head so I didnt bang it and held my hand whilst I was coming round. I ended up back in bed and sleeping til nearly 1.30pm. I do think this is due to having a bad day fit wise yesterday. 

The girls have come back from school with Keanna telling me she had an awesome day :-) Charlie however said it was just a day at school ha ha ha can't win em all. 
They looked so smart today in their uniform, very grown up. 

I'm still waiting to hear from work regarding my assessment but they are on hols this week. I just want it all sorting now. DLA are also dragging their heels as well, its ok for them but this is my life. I'm not going to let it get me down as this week as I have been feeling alot more positive. 

On a happier note its Keannas birthday on saturday & altho I wont be with her all day we will celebrate her birthday when she is back as well as her birthday morning. I cant believe shes going to be a teenager!!!! How old do I feel hee hee .....

Whilst writing this I have been watching Coyote Ugly. We have now got sky and there is a difference in the picture from Virgin media. Meanwhile during the film there has been the odd comment about how certain people cant act or sing my a fella of course pmsl 
Do you suffer the same whilst watching tv? It does make me laugh tho pmsl

Right thats it for now please feel free to give me feedback 
take care xxx

Monday, 27 August 2012

happy to have found support

OMG I am so happy to have found a support group/website for Non Epileptic attack disorder. I have been reading the website and it describes my condition so well. I feel more comfortable with it now. It doesnt change anything but its nice to know I'm not the only person with this disorder plus that it proves these attacks are real.

My family & true friends have never doubted my seizures but many nurses and doctors have made me feel like I was putting it on. The first time I was given the opportunity to see a Shrink I nearly turned it down because I thought they were for mad people but thats not true. 

I also found a group for the Hemiplegic Migraines I suffer. Its been great to read about other peoples experiences and they way they cope.

I know I am lucky to have such a wonderful support network around me. I just feel so lucky to have found these groups too :-)

I have also helped make a rhubarb crumble and my very first Lasagne :-)

Today is a good day (so far) & I just had to share this with you all
I am happy happy happy xxx

Emotional roundabouts

Do you ever have times where you feel so poorly but something makes you so happy???

Well I have been in hospital yet again, yes I know this shocks you :-)  

I had a blockage caused by all my meds and my lack of desire to drink fibregel. For those who have never tasted this the only way it can be described is .... wallpaper paste with orange squash in it!!!! yep you wouldnt drink it either ha ha ha ha
Due to my lack of appeptite for such drinks I became constipated (Yes I know we dont talk about bowels) I ended up doubled over in such awful pain I actually asked Marv to ring an ambulance. Poor Keanna was sobbing when the ambulance came but the paramedic was fantastic with the girls. He took Keanna & Chloe to the ambulance when he had to get stuff and they helped him by passing stuff. It made the experience so much easier for them. Never got his name to say thank you but I'm sending him a huge thanks x
I had forgotten just how amazing gas & air is. WOW I was not giving that back even after I had the morphine. So we went through the usual routine, A & E then transferred to the General and settled on a ward. Due to my fits I had to go on the acute bay. This was ok apart from being kept awake all bloody nite by the nursing staff let alone from the odd patient shouting out. I had my meds like a good girl, poo'ed for england etc etc etc

I was on facebook one morning when my friend asked if I was still in the General and if so which ward. I told her and she said she was here too on the same ward. Now Rihann & I have been friends for a few years now but never actually got round to meeting up in the flesh. So it was a lovely surprise to finally meet her. I was so happy when she came to see me ( I was on oxygen at the time). For that reason alone I was actually happy to be in hospital. I was discharged the day before Rihann but it was great finally getting to meet her at long last. Shes as bubbly in the flesh as she is online :-)

Within days after being discharged I had a meeting with my bosses about going back to work. I was full of expectation of being told when I could go back only to be shot down in flames by being told I need to be assessed first. I do honestly understand their point of views but I want to work..... I have thought about what I will do if I can not work anymore due to my fits and I think I will do some more courses.Its not a nice feeling knowing everything you have worked for could be taken away from you. I feel like everytime I try to do something workwise it gets taken away from me. 

I feel like a burden to everyone as I cant be left alone due to hurting myself during the fits. An example of how easy this is was yesterday ... Marvs watching footie so I am upstairs doing my cross stitch whilst on the bed watching tv. Quite safe wouldnt you say??? it would be if I hadnt had my scissors in my hand whist I had my fit. I came round to a sore arm. I looked and I had scratched my arm several times with the scissors. It could have been so much worse which is what scared me I think. The other day our friend Rich heard me have a fit in the outside toilet. He could hear my head hitting the door so had to gently open the door and lower me down whilst protecting my head. It must be quite scary for others when this happens even more so if they dont know if I'm dressed hee hee.

I have decided something though I may have health issues & I may not beable to work but I can start to change things in my life. Firstly my diet as I need to lose weight for a number of reasons. So the slimming world plan is calling me back. I need to get my arse into gear and follow the plan. I also need to somehow inprove my fitness again. I love the gym but the risk of the fit kind of puts it out of the question at the minute. 
My first change came about on saturday when I decided to have my hair cut. Its shorter one side. Its quite a shock when I go to touch my hair and half of it as disappeared ha ha ha Kel did an amazing job I love it.

I keep a diary which helps my depression but somedays I just need someone to say your doing well.

On a happier note school holidays are nearly over and I can already hear the mix of tears and cheers for that first day back at school. Parents will treasure that day for a number of reasons such as......
childs first day at school,
first day at a new school, 
new uniforms thus making their children seem so grown up,
new uniforms meaning they will look smart for at least the first week, 
first day kiddie free for 6 whole weeks lol
whatever your reason treasure your children whilst you can because one day they will be grown up and have children of their own whilst your left wondering where the time went.....

My peace & quiet as now been broken by the first other person joining me downstairs so I shall leave this for today & go get dressed before tackling the ironing... oh the excitement I know your so jealous ha ha ha ha ha


Thursday, 7 June 2012

this & that

The past week as been so tough for me. Not only have I had to deal with my seizures several times a day but I have had to face upto some demons from a long time ago. The hospital thinks my seizures could be caused by stress so I'm now having therapy I guess. The first session opened up alot of things that have happened in my life. I hate thinking of myself as a victim so when the Doctor says to me you have been through an awful lot I replied with haven't we all. I've now started keeping a diary of my thoughts and it is helping. By dealing with these issues it can only make my life better and maybe help my depression. I think most things happen for a reason and I guess I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadnt been through all this stuff. I look back on my life and yes I have had some terrible times but I've also had some fantastic times too.

Had a lovely but quick chat with my cuz Lisa this morning. She was amazed at some stuff I told her but as always is supportive of me. Just her giving me a hug n saying I love you lifted my spirits so thanks Lisa loves ya xx

Well I'm still off work due to the seizures or as hubby calls them "shakes". It does get me down but also we are all so used to it now that even the kids dont bat an eyelid. Due to how severe some are I do tend to sleep alot after the bad ones so my sleep pattern is all over the place. Some days I'm up at 3am and do you know how shit tv is then???  Really if the stuff they sell on these shows is so good why isnt it sold during the day??? thats because you have to be nearly asleep to be tempted to buy the stuff lol. On the plus side I am cracking on with my cross stitch project. I'm really enjoying it to be honest. I even managed to make 2 sock monkeys this week. 

 I've already got my next cross stitch project lined up. Hopefully the next one wont take as long as this one. I've been doing this one for about 2 yrs hee hee 

Well thats enough for one day I think, dont wanna bore ya silly. 

Please feel free to comment on my blogs as feed back will help me develop the way I write.
Bye for now xxxxxxxx

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Married life

WOW ... our wedding day was so amazing. It went so fast but it was such good fun. We enjoyed it immensely. Our family and friends helped make the day so special.
We can't thank everyone enough for all their help & support. It is lovely to know there are such amazing people around us. The bridesmaids looked beautiful & did an amazing job, the bestman (whom I met for the first time that day) looked very smart and the Groom..... totally gorgeous!!! I am so proud to call him my husband.

The planning of the wedding wasn't smooth running due to me being in hospital until the week before. I am suffering from seizures. Despite numerous tests we still do no know the cause of them. The seizures do not last long but are happening upto 20 times a day. I did however manage to hide them on our wedding day except from when Claire decided to climb over the toilet wall when she realised I was fitting hee hee. The seizures will not harm my brain according to the doctors but I do not always get a warning enabling me to go somewhere safe. I have discovered that Morrisons & Makro floors are very cold :-) I have to laugh or I shall cry and I have done enough of that.

Marv & I had a lovely night in a hotel called The Barcelo. This was a gift from my niece, Claire. The bed was massive & the shower was fab (easily pleased me). We had a lovely meal and enjoyed a bottle of champagne whilst Marv was swearing at the tv because a dog won Britians got talent ha ha ha ha

So now we are home and back to reality. Marv is watching F1 (which don't tell him but I am starting to enjoy), Yasmin is out, Charlie is in her room (as per usual) and Keanna is at her dads so I am enjoying the chance to do this without anyone whinging lol. I might even do the ironing soon .... ooohhh I know how to have fun ha ha ha

I am going to get my slimming world books out this week and try to restart that whilst not at work. Going to have Donna kick me ass lol. I would like to beable to go back to the gym & to go swimming but I am unable at the moment due to the seizures.  I can't wait til they are sorted so I can restart my driving lessons as well. My fridays aren't the same without Phils tales. 

In the meantime I will enjoy my time at home with my Husband & kids.  I am lucky to have such a fantastic family whom look after me.

So is married life good???? NO its FANTASTIC and I am loving it...............
Marv thank you for putting up with me and remember I LOVE YOU xxx

Sunday, 29 April 2012

I am very lucky xx

6 Days to go until I get married....eeekkkk

Still got a few things to do due to only coming out of hospital on friday. I have been ill & off for quite some time. Marv has looked after us all bless him. He came to the hospital nearly everyday mainly twice a day to see me & bring the kids etc.

They haven't stopped my seizures yet but I am remaining hopeful that they will. Its been quite an emotional time for me. I have been off work for some time then managed to go back for a week before ending up in hospital for over a week. I know that I have to take my time & not rush back this time. Even I have accepted that I may not be able to go back for quiite some time.

whilst in hospital I had time to reflect on what is important and whats not in my life. I saw a lovely lady deteriorate over the week. Alltho she was unable to move herself she called for the nurses when I had a seizure & looked after me. I had the opportunity to say goodbye to this lady before her family took her home for the remaining time she had left. I cried when she went. Another patients son was coming in each day just before meal times to make sure his mum got food she liked and the fed her, freeing up the nursing staff which they were grateful for. His mum has terminal cancer and I know that knowing you are going to lose your Mum is heartbreaking. He had been looking after her at home but the latest events left her in hospital & he had to face up to the fact that she will not be going home again. Even tho he was going through hell he was cheerful and helped other patients if they needed something eg they dropped something, needed food cutting up. He was another person who called the nurses for me when I was unable. He really is a lovely man. We had a good giggle along with another patient and was coming up with songs for my wedding including shaking stevens, All shook up, hippy hippy shake etc. It lifted our spirits and we became glad to see him arrive altho it was seeing Marv & my girls that made me smile the most. Everytime they left I wanted to cry. 

To see people going through different things but still helping each other makes you realise that there are some lovely genuine people out there. Its something we tend to forget these days.

On our wedding day not only shall I be thinking how lucky I am to be getting married but how lucky I am to know such lovely people.  know I am very lucky to have Marv & my gorgeous girls along with family & friends.  I may not be completely healthy but there are alot of people worse off than me. 

I am truely thankful for what I have got. Marvin I love you so much and marrying you means so much to me, I am avery lucky lady to have you. To my gorgeous girls I love you more than you will ever know. My family & friends, I love you all too and even tho we may not speak or see each other all the time you are always in my heart.

Thats it for now. Take care xxxxx

Friday, 16 March 2012

how I feel...

How I Feel???

Well firstly I need to get you upto speed on things.

We get married in May. Got my dress & bridesmaid dresses altho 2 need to be altered. Most things are sorted but there are still so much to do!!!!!
I'm excited but also slightly stressed. Hen Nite is sorted due to my fab friends.

So I should feel on top of the world??? 

2 weeks ago my partner had to ring for an ambulance for me as i was in so much pain and had facial droop. I was admitted to A & E where the staff were so busy there was a queue to get seen. To my surprise I was told my friend Deb was one of the wonderful staff whom looked after me. I was admitted to the ward where they were able to give me more pain relief. After alot of doctors & nurses the diagnosis I have I been given is hemiplegic migraine. Once home I spent nearly a week constantly sleeping, unable to speak properly not eating or barely drinking. After a change to my meds I'm now picking up but havent had a day where I havent collapsed so far.
I have to thank Marv so much for looking after me and our girls.

So How am I feeling ......
Scared of Marv getting fed up of me, anxious about what happens next, excited because I am marrying the man who I love, Mainly I feel drained & like I'm letting everyone down. I know my family and friends are there for me but i wish I wasn't like this.

I love my Family and would be lost without them.

I don't want a perfect world but a few days of feeling great would be lovely ..........


Monday, 20 February 2012

Want to go home

Ever sat at work in a room full of people and wished you was at home??? Well that's how I've felt all day. After being poorly all weekend I could really do with some piece n quiet. Not long left now as I finish early.
Got a busy afternoon planned. Just want to go sleep ..... I'm such a boring grumpy person today :-(

Wednesday, 18 January 2012


Why is hospitals are either rd hot or freezing????
I'm sat here watching my daughter sleep freezing my butt off (that's alot of butt freezing going on). I've got my coat wrapped round me n I'm still cold bbbrrr if I don't warm up soon I'm icing her out of that bed n climbing into it poorly or not lol

However I am also thinking I am very lucky to be watching her sleep after seeing her in so much pain over the past few days. It breaks my heart to see one of my kids suffering n I can't make it better. If I could take the pain away I would. On the plus side she seems slightly better but we will see what happens tomorrow.

As many of you will know I have alot of experience when it comes to hospitals. It becomes a whole new experience when it's one of your kids in here. I am used to being the patience which after the past 2 days is a whole lot easier than being the relative. I can know appreciate more how Marv n the girls feel when I'm in here. Plus I can understand how Yasmin is feeling.
Let's hope she's out for the weekend so we can all relax and catch up on our sleep lol

I love my family more than anything in the world and it's times like this that make you appreciate what you have got. The last few years haven't been the easiest but together will can cope. I guess it shows what a strong unit we are.

Gosh aren't I being soft this morning lol right onto other things ....
16 weeks til the wedding arghhh so much to do.... The diet as gone out the window over the past few days but back on it when madam gets home.

Well I think I have become quite annoying on twitter today and GOOD I want to be. If the past few days have shown me anything its how important our kids are. Now I can't imagine how it must feel to lose a child. The worse pain ever and yet some people refuse to tell the truth n help a parent move on. Yes I refer to Kevin Williams mum.
All she wants is the truth yet she's had to fight for years to try and get it. Surely it's just the right thing to do???? Too many people trying to save their own skins are causing this woman and others like her to suffer endlessly. Please please please take time to sign the petition (link below) and help ease her and many other families suffering. The Hillsborough disaster is something many of us will never forget for one reason or another but let's show that together we can make a difference. Xxxx