Thursday, 28 October 2010

quite worried

I'm quite worried as I went Docs yesterday and have been referred urgently to the back clinic again as I have been having a few problems. I also have to get my knee checked out as its swelling up and really painful. I am also having episodes of a floating feeling. 

I don't know whats happening with me anymore. I can't even manage to walk docs and back anymore. I wasn't even 10 mins into the walk when the pain became awful. It took 2 hours to get there and back which is alot longer than normal :o(

I am off out today and then to see Hot stuff tonite which I am looking forward too but I know I will suffer tomorrow for it. I just hope I can get through work without messing up. 

I know Marv gets angry with me for pushing myself so much but I need to exercise to lose weight which will then help my back.... also it will help my depression. I feel fat and very useless at the minute. I want to get back to my old self where I like myself and enjoy myself. 

I love my life because I have a wonderful partner and kids. I have some amazing friends so I know I should be grateful for that and I am honestly. I just want to live like a 36 yr old instead of a 76 yr old. I want to beable to moan that I'm going or been to the gym again lol I want to beable to party on a sat nite without being in pain all day sunday without it being a hangover lol.

I've had an awful few days and I hope things will start looking brighter soon
Take care and thank you for reading my blog xx

Sunday, 24 October 2010

sunday relaxation lol

Sunday relaxation... I wish lol
We went out last nite and was up nice and early. We went and got our laminate flooring, paint etc and also found a fab bargain. Got a carpet for the stairs and hallway at a great price. I'm gettin very excited about the decorating. I have painted a patch of the new colours to see what we think and its a def YES lol. Its going to look amazing. We looked at some doors and some of them were over £200!!!! with my lot??? I don't think so lol

Kids decided they want to swap bedrooms so that as been going on all afternoon. What a mess... I have left them to it after being told off for moving stuff around. I've had orders to rest so thought I would nick the laptop for half hour.

My back is pretty bad today. I should really have used my crutches as when we was out I nearly fell twice due to the pain. The pain shooting down my legs is doing my head in, just wish it would stop for a while at least. This is the price I have to pay for going out and having a little boogie. Worth it??? not too sure lol. 

At least I didn't drink enough to get a hang over lol. I'm hoping the birthday pair didn't have too much of a hangover this morning hee hee. We got them some Champers and some candles. There was written instructions saying they could only open the champers when they were alone and the candles were lit. Its just nice to have time for each other and that itself is sometimes the best pressie you can have.

I just keep remembering how lucky I am being able to move at all and that I have an amazing family. We might not be rich but we all love each other and that is worth more than any amount of money.
I love my life and think my health issues make me a stronger person mentally. I have some amazing friends and I love them to bits.

Well I can't hear any screams so the kids aren't killing each other or Marv hee hee. Its going to be a few days before upstairs is in any sort of order.

YYYYYYAAAAAAYYYYYY kids are back at school tomorrow so that means me & my bitach can be ladies who do lunch again lol.

Take care everyone and remember a smile can brighten up the dullest day :o)

Saturday, 23 October 2010

cccoooolllddd bbbbrrr

Its so cold bbbbrrrrr

All the summer clothes have been put away n all the woolies put to the front of the wardrobe lol 

Well I am having my usual problem.... going out tonite and what do I wear??? As most of you know since my relapse I have put on alot of weight so not feeling too confident. I'm sure I won't give a shit after a few drinks :o)

This week as been a battle in more ways than one. Firstly my back & my knees have been hurting an awful lot. One knee is swollen so not sure whats happening there. Secondly I have been subjected to shit stirring again. I have deleted one person off facebook as he admitted what he had done but I have also deleted a second person due to her being named and me not wanting to go through it again so if neither are on my facebook then neither can be accused of shit stirring via that.

Facebook is meant to be abit of fun where you can catch up with family and friends, old school friends, work mates etc..... so why on earth do some people take joy in causing problems for others through it. I know we all have a rant but really why would you go out of your way to cause trouble??? I can't understand it. 

I'm no longer going to take any notice of what crap people want to say. I was very close to letting them win and deleting my blog but why should I when its helping me in many ways.  Its kind of sad that their lives are so boring thats what they have to restort to...

Going to a joint 40th birthday party tonite. I'm hoping they like their pressie. Its going to be nice to see people from work in a more relaxed mood. 

WWWOOOOHHHOOOO we going to start decorating tomoz. Got lots to do before we can even start painting. I am so excited, the front room as been the same for years, pre-divorce, so it will be a new look for us. We have chosen it together so it will be our front room if you know what I mean. The hallway is next along with the kitchen having a lick of paint then on to the girls rooms.

I'm hoping I can get involved in the actual decorating altho I do know I'm limited in what I can do. Anyway thats it for now. Please leave your comments for me so I can get some feedback on how you think its going.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

got broad shoulders for a reason lol

I've got broad shoulders for a reason and its a good job too.
I'm starting to get fed up of peoples digs over my problems. I don't choose to have a very bad back. I would def give up my pain tomorrow if I could. Its not something I enjoy but I am learning to accept it and live with it.

I feel everytime I get on my feet there are people who want to kick me back down. Altho that hasn't happened this time because I don't care what this person thinks or says but it does piss me off. Maybe if I stayed in my wheelchair then people would believe me but because I fight to be independant and am lucky enough not to need the wheelchair all the time I'm subjected to this kind of crap. 

As many of you will know I have been experiencing back pain for ten years and its been worse over the past 2-3 yrs. During that ten years I went college, worked at nite, then went onto uni to do 2 yrs nurse training before having to quit due to my health. I just wish people would keep their nasty comments to theirselves. 

Over the past 4 days I have been really suffering and don't need the comments when I'm feeling so low. I have had to double medication to beable to walk and also haven't been sleeping well due to the pain. Last nite I had to have diazapam to sleep but hey it works so I don't mind. 

I shouldn't have to explain everything to everyone. Some people will always have nothing but nasty stuff to say but then in the next breath they are saying how poorly they feel...... 

I am lucky to have supportive friends whom I value very much. My girls and Marv are fantastic and help me when I need it & are always supportive. So I am a very lucky lady. This is what keeps me going everyday. I am on alot of medication which makes it possible for me to move and live my life altho not without pain each day but the fact I can do things makes me very grateful. I think I have a wonderful life and I love my family & friends. What more could I ask for???

So to those people who say nasty, thoughtless things about people who have health problems be it mental or physical, then think before opening your mouths because I'm damn sure you wouldn't like it if it was the other way round. 

Rant over :o)

well its my day off and I am going to rest like a good girl for a change lol. I'm off out tomoz with my best friend so want to be ok for that. Back at work friday then going to a party sat nite. I can't wait. 

On the weight loss front it was 1/2 lb this week so not over joyed. Its focus focus focus for the next week as I only have 1/2 lb to go to reach my first half stone mark. I really want to do this because its not just for my back but for me to make me more confident in myself and also so I can start looking in the mirror and liking what I see for a change. 

Its half term and the kids are being good so far. I got them some cooking stuff and a craft book which they have been using. They are great kids and don't demand stuff all the time. Of course they push things and can be little shits at times but I love them more than anything. 

I can't believe Yaz leaves school next year :-O shes already decided she wants to go to college. Charlie has to pick her options and Keanna will be in secondary school next year.... they are all growing up so quickly aaarrrggghhhh but they will always be my babies lol. 

I'm loving the look of the mini cupcake maker mmmmmm...Lazy yes I know but how much fun will that be lol. Daytime tv lol

Please comment if you want too. I read them all and like that I get feedback. I know there are alot of people suffering in different ways whether its physical or mental and do not say anything. I just want people to understand how it affects peoples lives. I'm very lucky to beable to get around and work. I have alot of support but not everyone is as lucky as me. If anything I put in my blogs can help even in a little way then its all worth it. Writing my blog helps me in many ways and knowing you read it encourages me to carry on. Sorry if any of it bores you but they are not always so serious so bare with me 

Many thanks and take care everyone xxxxxx

Saturday, 16 October 2010

not a good few days

Not been a good few days healthwise

In quite alot of pain. I spent all last nite and evening in bed and most of this afternoon. I'm currently propped up by a pillow and to be honest not doing so well. Its times like this it drives me mad.

I even turned down abit of retail therapy this afternoon so you know its bad lol. Tonite will consist of a dvd and lots of rest and well tomoz maybe more of the same. Need to be better for work on monday coz I'm not stopping here whilst kids are off school pmsl

I invested in some bakeware wear and a craftbook for this week to keep em busy. They have cake making recipe books so along with the crafts they will be kept busy (lets hope)

Well its only a quick one as not feeling very chatty right now
Take care chat soon xxx

Thursday, 14 October 2010

gets me so mad GGGGGRRRRRRR

GGGRRRRR Why is being a good parent so difficult for some people?????

I'm so fed up of my girls being let down. If its not one its another. SO SO SO FED UP WITH IT!!!!!!

I hate having to watch my girls crying when they are let down time after time. The thing is they will get strong enough to walk away and I can't wait for that day!!!

I spent the day with a very good friend of mine. We have both been put through some shit recently had over the past 2 days we have had a good giggle & heart to heart. She really is a true friend.
Talking of friends, today I finally got to speak to a lovely lady whom I've been "talking" to through facebook. Unfortunately it had to be cut short due to events as mentioned above. It was lovely to finally chat and I hope that we will continue to get on well and meet up for that coffee and natter soon. I might even let Marv buy us a cake too lol.

Had to take the new tv back today :o( it kept freezing. We have downsized to a 40 inch Samsung now. Fingers crossed this one will be ok.

We really need to start xmas shopping because time is going so fast. It will be xmas before we know it. I can't wait til we put the tree up and then it will be nice and cosy. 

Well take care everyone xx

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

really wonders about some people

I really wonder about people at times....
I have been dragged into someones sick mind game. It nearly ruined a 33 yr friendship. This guy tried everything to ruin our friendship including using my disability all because my friend didn't want to be with him. Yes she was at fault for some of it but I can't beleive how sick this guy is!!!! why do people do these things??? Its so sad that their lifes are that crap they take pleasure out of hurting others.... rant over 

Well its the usual thing I'm ok one day can hardly move the next but heyho we just get on with things. I'm going to hobble round today and rest tomorrow. Got so much to do and want to do stuff for myself instead of waiting for people to help me with it. Even doing the washing etc is important to me. 
I know it sounds silly and alot of you prob think whats she on about but its a step to independance again. I'm still using my aids around the house even tho to many I look fine. If I had my leg in a cast, etc people would understand I'm in pain but because they can't see it they find it more difficult to understand or to believe. 
Dont get me wrong I was guilty of thinking the same way before I had my back problem, but having to live with pain makes you more aware of other peoples suffering.

I had a monday from hell. My dad collapsed in the morning then I got dragged into the mind games (as previously mentioned) but it did end on a high... 3 bottles of wine and me & my friend were fine again lol. Altho I was a silly cow when I got home. I took all the stress out on Marv because I was VERY drunk. Its a good job he loves me lol. I have said sorry and hes fine about it. 

My dad is home and fine altho he doesn't listen to what hes told. After leaving the hospital instead of getting a taxi home as told he walks into town for a bus!!! Yes I could slap him at times, its just like having another child lol. I've spoken to him and gave him a telling off not that it will sink in with him. I just dread that one day something serious is going to happen to him. He may do my head in but I love him. 

Slimming world weigh in last nite. I wasn't looking forward to it after all that wine on monday nite lol. I got on the scales and closed my eyes until she said I had lost a pound. Not alot but its coming off slowly. Next weeks goal is at least a pound to reach my half stone mark. I know its not going to come off quickly but as long as it does come off not go back on I don't mind. When I got weighed for the first time I was expecting the scales to say no coach parties lol I had a right shock lol.

All joking aside its so important to me to lose this weight not only for my back but also for me. I want to be an healthy weight and beable to go in a shop and pick something up and not have to worry whether it will fit or not. Also its important for my mental wellbeing to lose the weight as its adding to my depression. I do the usual thing, laugh and joke about my weight but inside I hate it. I don't feel attractive, I don't believe Marv when he says he finds me sexy etc. Many of you will understand how it feels. I know I have a reason for putting weight on but it doesn't stop me crying when I look in the mirror and see how fat I am. Its a horrible feeling.

Well its my day off so going to try and get a few bits done today. Need to fetch my new glasses as mine existing ones are falling apart and only had them in march. The lens is coming away from the frame. So might have to have a look around the shops when I fetch them lol. 

Our new TV is going back to the shop. We're very disappointed in it. We have a 47 inch LED tv but it pauses and plays up all the time so we are going to downsize to a 40inch. The chap at currys was quite good when we complained, mind you like he had a choice with me lol 
We only got such a large tv coz Marv wanted it hee hee. 

I got a new radio after selling my stereo. Its a DAB touch one. Its ssssoooo cool hee hee I love it. I dont tend to play cds very much these days prefer to have the radio or the music channel on. It fits lovely under the tv on the stand. Told the kids its mine not theirs and got told "well its in the front room so its for all of us" flipping kids lol

I have told quite a few people about my blogs and have asked for their feedback. Please feel free to comment on my blogs. I try to make issues heard as well as the usual chit chat. There are alot of people with illnesses who don't say anything about how they feel so if I can get a few points across and make people think then its all good. 

As I have said previously these blogs are here to help me with my disability not to make anyone feel sorry for me. I don't sit around waiting for everyone to do stuff for me I want to be strong and independant. I WILL BE ME AGAIN

Take care everyone, stay safe and be happy xxx

Friday, 8 October 2010


Not agood day for me. I started feeling ill yesterday and its continued today. I feel sick and grumpy. Last nite I even left the club early because I felt so ill.

Work was quiet but ok but I feel so crappy. My back as been killing all day. When I have a few good days I forget how bad it can be. One day can be great but the next day it can be really bad. It affects not just me but those around me. I'm sorry Marvin xx He gets the brunt of it all I'm afraid. It upsets me knowing I do it but I can't help it. I'm hoping losing weight will help my back and they way how I feel about myself too.

I'm quite fed up with hearing about some peoples lifes. If a friend needs me then I'm there for them but I don't think its fair that its all one way. Some people treat others like crap and then moan when they start giving shit back. I really think some people need to get a grip. Theres more to life than that.

We have an action packed weekend planned. Hopefully it will be ok with how I'm feeling. Some good friends are due round tonite so excited about that. I'm hoping to relax at some point over the weekend. 

Well folks I hope you all have a good weekendxx


Thursday, 7 October 2010

sasha pamper treat

AAAWWW Sasha had her pamper session today. Hair cut, nails clipped, washed and fussed. 
She loved it. She looks so different now and sssooooo FAT lol 
I haven't been able to clip her fur for ages due to my back so she was very very furry. Well not now lol gonna have to get her a coat now ha ha ha

Pics are below bless her but she looks fab and so she should do it cost more than a hair cut for me ha ha ha

My back been playing up again but still no crutches yyyyaaayyyy. I'm trying to look after myself with regards to eating and moving around. I'm trying to be more active without making things worse, its difficult but I have to do it. Due to the medication I'm on I have to take lactulose... ooohhhh when that kicks in I know about it lol you need to stay clear when it works believe me pmsl

I have to admit to being pissed off with some so called friends. I have not had any support from them but its different when they need a shoulder to cry on. I'm beginning to think sod em but it is upsetting when I think of everything I've done for them and how far back we go. If its not about them then they don't want to know. The problem is they think I will always be there even tho they have been slagging me, Marv and my choice of engagement ring off. I think I'm a good friend and deserve to be treated better than that. 

The school rang me today and I put in an offical complaint in regards of the way my daughter was treated when there was the fire at the school. After hearing all the procedure this procedure that he finally realised I wasn't going to give up. I explained my point about how the staff treated her and hes going to ring me tomorrow with an update of how the complaint is being treated. 
When it comes to my kids I won't give up. Charlie was really poorly after being around the smoke and I don't want it to happen again. YYAAAYYY watch me go lol I wonder why the school knows me??? lol Telling a child with asthma when struggling to cope with it???? I think NOT silly cow. It makes you wonder what kind of person she is.....

On the plus side I have seen the scan piccie of my very good friends baby aaawwww sssooo sweet. can't wait to meet bump. I've already seen a few things I want to buy lol 


Wednesday, 6 October 2010

good times and headaches

Good times & headaches

Had a good week so far. Weigh in went well, Works going well, got some flowers today and we went to get a new TV.

We got a lovely new tv 46 inch LED and a blu-ray player. So now Marv's busy putting everything together which leaves us with a 32 inch tv & stand in the way. The old tv is going up for sale to get rid. 

I was very surprised at weigh in, was worried about getting on the scales but did it and was shocked to see that I had lost 5 lbs yyyaaaayyyy. So full steam ahead this week to get that 2lbs off for my half stone mark. 

A friend had needed someone to listen to them and because  had been a friend they brought me a bunch of flowers round today. It was a lovely surprise.

Well the TVs up and running so off to enjoy it

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Surprise trip n crap sales assistants

Surprise Trip & Crap Sales Assistants

 Friday I was informed that we were going to watch Notts County play Sheff Weds on sat afternoon. Marv had won tickets from Heart FM. Ok I wasn't overly excited at first but it was a afternoon out with 2 of the kids for a nice change. Normally Yasmin & Chloe are kind of left to their own devices whilst Charlie & Keanna are at dancing. So the plan was to take them with us to watch the footie. 

We had a stroll around Notts which was fun but tiring for me. Yaz and I got a bracelet each from Jane Norman, plus I got a blue scarf. We liked The Victoria Centre even tho Next didn't have my boots there either. We then got a taxi back to the footie ground. The girls were wide eyed as we went in and sat watching it fill up. The crowd banter was amusing for us all. I got quite into the match which was shocking lol. Yaz got abit wet by the guy sitting behind us, he split his coffee over her and wasn't gonna say anything. Well he didn't have a choice when I turned to rub Yaz's coat and gave him such a evil look. He then said Sorry and put his head down. Me being the quiet person that I am then explained VERY loudly to Yaz that had she been a man he would have jump up striaght the way to say sorry, then called him an INBRED!!!! pmsl

Once the match had finished we trailed back to the car which was parked quite close to the ground hee hee it was funny watching everyone walking the long trek back to their cars lol. Anyway, I got in the car and slumped....all the walking and those huge steps in the footie ground had took its toll. Pills were took and once we were at home I went off to bed. After a few hours sleep I felt better but still in quite abit of pain. 

This morning we decided to go Fosse park. Again we attempted to get my boots but yet again they were not in stock. I was told I could order them online but there was no guarantee they would have any either so I admitted defeat and got some different ones. After that we went argos for a new bathroom cabinet. OMG the tarrific was terrible, we thought there must be a sale on over pc world side but after getting through there was no sign of any sale to cause the traffic. Must be everyones pay weekend lol.
A trip to tesco was needed so off we went. Whilst there we decided to go and look at getting Grumpy a TV. So off we went and stood looking at all the TVs. Waiting round for 20 mins before deciding to find a sales assistant. Asked at the counter and was told she would send one..... 10 mins later we gave up and started to leave... until I seen a very grumpy looking fella in a tesco workers suit. I asked him if he was working in the tv department. It seems he had been sent over to us so I explained how we had been waiting for ages and the response was ...yeah? so I said are you going to do us a deal then..... on what?...... on what???? the bloody tv we have been waiting to buy for nearly 30 mins... Well depends which one you want..... on that note we gave up and left. Paid for our shopping downstairs and complained to the something or other manager. She asked us what we wanted her to do, she was lovely I might add, well we replied with kick his arse, punch him and sack him..... do you think we gave her enough choice lol He deserved to be sacked after his performance... he made Homer Simpson look intelligent lol 

SSSooooo we still need to get Grumpy I mean Marv a new TV lol so the search continues....

Weigh in on Tuesday...ooohhhh buggar was being so good til sat then we had a subway n then a pie at footie lol Kids had Pizza last nite and I said NNNOOOO :o) until this morning when there was one left on the side in the box.....I gave in and had one slice :o( ......on the plus side did only have one not the whole pizza lol 

Have a good sunday evening folks